Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
