I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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