I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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