I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
