you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
