I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
