I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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