hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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