I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
