dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
