the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
