We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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