Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
