I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
