Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
