Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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