This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
