i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
