you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
