when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
