I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
