drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
