Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
