any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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