i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
