I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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