he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
