He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
