The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
