So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
