I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
