is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
