she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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