the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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