Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize