My room smells like vodka and shame
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize