I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
