I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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