So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
