When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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