Your face is a jimmy john
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
