Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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