im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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