I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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