He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
