the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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