He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize