I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
