Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
