Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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