I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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