forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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