I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
