His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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