come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
