Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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