If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize