Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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