Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
we're making bets on your personal life
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize