Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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