don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
