Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
